We met on a social media site. There was transmission from the first sentence. We created a room inside our heads where we fucked every night. “Let’s lie under the stars and talk about insignificant things.” It was so easy for us to create an entire world with emails and uploads. After a few weeks, it began to feel almost real. Nothing around us mattered anymore. He emailed me one morning and said …”I don’t even fuck with shaving anymore!” There was mutual ignition. It wasn’t love, it was a biochemical addiction. When I read his words, my brain lit up like a stadium. I forgot to eat and sleep. I just wanted more of him. I swear I would have drank him if I could. But you can’t stay there. Eventually, you start falling and it’s a quick trip from “hi,” to mutual masturbation, to love. We are human and our brains can think us into orgasm without even touching ourselves.
“I’m wearing black underwear and a white t-shirt with no bra.” Didn’t matter what I was really wearing, just what I made him believe I was wearing. “What are you doing right now?” Truth: I was waiting on a train. What I told him: “I’m lying in bed. Just got out of the shower. My hair is wet and so am I.” All of a sudden there is no shit job, no train, no traffic. I’m in bed, he’s hard, and I’m about to get the fucking of a lifetime. I have an infinite imagination and I go on this shit longer than most. But then we began talking about our lives. I didn’t want to talk about anything within reach. I just wanted us to keep this apartment. Just keep listening to music and fucking. I knew reality would rip a hole in this and it did.
I sent him an email, told him I was falling in love. I should have just said ”Goodbye” because that was what I was doing. He told me he couldn’t do this. He was married. That he was starting to have feelings for me and it had to end it before he fell deeper. He said if we would have met a few decades earlier, things would have been different. The only thing I heard was this is over and you’re not getting any more emails while you sit in traffic. On the days when everything has gone to shit, I won’t be there to make you forget to feel it. He told me he was closing his email in a week and that if I wanted to reply I could. I did, even though I knew it wouldn’t change anything. I watched him leave in a car that didn’t exist and I sat on a hill waiting for his headlights. It never happened.
I read his tweets. Looked for signs of exit remorse. Then I saw it… ”Today I said goodbye to someone I really connected with. I’m going to miss her more than she could ever imagine.” I sat at my desktop and cried for an hour over a person I never touched at all but touched every day for two months. Sometimes we don’t need to feel anything to feel everything. The mind is a terribly beautiful place.