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I Base My Dating Decisions on Record Collections

My best friend used to call him “concert t-shirt boy”. He was the kid in town that owned about 40 band t-shirts. Every day, we would see him walking Main Street with a different band. The week he got a Guns N’ Roses t-shirt he wore it two days in a row. Concert t-shirt boy tried to kiss me once but I couldn’t. His record collection made my nipples soft. It was at that moment that I knew I could only date boys with a kick ass record collection. I mean, there’s nothing hotter than finding a b-sides, released only in Germany, Clash album in a collection. That’s like foreplay. A greatest hits might get you quick shot but a “never before released b-sides vinyl” is going to get you tantric sex. So put the rare stuff up front. The deal breaker is a collection of musical dabblings. A “dabbler” is a person who only owns greatest hits collections or mistitles songs by assuming the title is in the chorus. That shit’s just lazy. And if he/she dabbles in music you can pretty much guarantee they dabble in other areas too. If they refer to NIN/Closer as “I Want to Fuck You Like an Animal” get the hell out. You’re going to have to finish the job anyway.

Personally, I think online dating sites should make a member’s record collection a required field or a least required in search options. *Record collection profiling has been found to be effective in determining compatibility. Please fill in required field.*

“Male 38 seeking female 35-45 with a great record collection. Should include the Pretenders, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Joy Division, Pink Floyd, the Replacements, Prince, and the Clash. Will accept a few early Van Halen but no Sammy. Bonus points for imports, especially vinyl. (insert winky emoticon)”

I don’t even have to check my collection. I know. I’m exactly who he’s looking for. He loves strong women. He’s probably intelligent, has great hair and shoes, and knows David Lee Roth WAS Van Halen. He’s the perfect mix of dare and guarantee–sensitive and dialed down. And the fact that he mentioned Prince, means that he has a dirty mind. Have you ever Googled “Prince song titles”? If not, do it. Either way, he’s “The Marrying Kind”.

So, if you want to meet “the one”, I suggest starting at a record store. It’s much less painful to catch a Poison fan at store level.

Virago Magazine would love to hear from readers. Please drop us your album requirements or mandatory playlist at submissions@viragomag.com. Better yet, make a dating profile like the one above and tell us what bands make you say yes and which bands make you hit block. We’ll pick a few for the next issue and maybe you’ll get a date.

About Ara Harris

Music junkie, Atari 2600 bringer backer, word maker upper, loves to photograph and write about suburban decay. Ara grew up on a corner lot in small town Ohio. She began escaping the micro minds of the Midwest by listening to music, watching b films, and touring the cities in her mind. She wrote poetry on the back of algebra tests and asked Lou Reed to take her to prom. Two decades later she self published a full collection of poetry that one reader described as “a Tom Verlaine riff in every synapse”. She believes that we all have a gift, we just have to find it.

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