I’d love to help with your magazine project, but I am unable to for several reasons.
- I’m really, really busy and really, really popular. So right off the bat, that’s a tough squeeze time-wise.
- I can’t say I’m familiar with this publication, unless it’s connected to the super-fancy paper-plate-and-plasticware company I love so much. Still, I’m sure you understand I can’t be writing art for a paper-plate-company magazine.
- O.K. I just Googled it and I do know this magazine—and as it turns out I have a big beef with them. Whenever they have a young-up-and-coming-movie-starlets-of-tomorrow cover, I’m blatantly snubbed. Am I not good enough to lounge in a vintage gown from the 1930s, lazily draped on a chaise, pretending to be in the same room as 14 other cut-and-pasted actresses in similar garb and furniture and poses? I was born to do that, and this magazine took that from me and continues to take that from me with every passing year. And why? Why am I repeatedly overlooked? Because I’m a polarizing Jew? Or is it because of what we all know but are afraid to say: I’m just too goddamned pretty?We may never know, but what I do know is this: You will have to do your comedy-issue curating sans me. I hope this doesn’t hurt sales too much.
Sarah Jane Anastasia Silverman XIV
PS: Mark Brazill was right.