vəˈräɡō/: a woman of strength or spirit; a female warrior.

Ask my Abuela: advice even your favorite dude bro would wince at

Me: How many kids is ideal to have?

Abuela: Two is enough.

Me: How much jelly did you make this year?

Her: I no maka much..I only make a case….never make grape jelly and leave-a da tea on.

Me: How long are you going to live?

Her: Until God take-a me,  I’m gonna be here.  After? You do whatchu want with the house.  I”ll be going up or I’ll be going down. I hope up.

Me: Did you have a bunch of people over for your birthday?

Abuela: NO

Me: Do you like Obama?

Abuela: NO. He don’t do nutting. STINK.

Me: Romney?

Abuela:  He no helpy either. I don’t like em..any of ’em, Why? You like-a him?  This president: stunk. He no helpey the poor.

Me:  Do you think the world is gonna end ?

Abuela: NO. It’s never gonna end. Nothin’ gonna happen. I’ll be dead then anyway. Every year they say that. Nothing happens.

You can’t be afraii. Something happen? Up to God.

Me: Are people crazier more now than before?

Abuela: YEA.

Me: They tried to pass a bill to allow doctor assisted suicide, so if you’re terminally ill, a doctor can give you a pill to take you out early? How do you feel about that?

Abuela: No. it’s not legal.

Me: Marijuana is legal in some states now. How do you feel about that?

Abuela: I never take it. I don’ wanna taste nuthin’ of  the dope. Why u wanna take-a the junk?

You took it befo’?

Me:  Yea.

Abuela: It make-a you crazzeee? I no take-a NUTTING. NO GIVE ME NUTTING.

Me: Did you guys have therapy back in the day?

Abuela: NO. It was better befo’. You dunno what happen to you, but now they tell-a to you. They say– this is gonna happen to you. Then you have to wait. I don’t tell nothing my business. NO PRIVACY.  What joo no know don’t hurt you. Don’t worry ’bout it.

Abuela: You got a boyfran now?

Me: I got 5 now, Abuela. I’m trying to diversify.

Abuela: Which one u like-a the most?

Me: The guy who’s draggin’ his feet.

Abuela: Why you listen to him? Listen, you wanna man who gonna take-a you OUT, take-a you to eat, take-a you to the show, take-a you places.

Me: Yes. I would like to go shopping.

Abuela: But if he take-a you shoppin’, you gotta go in the bed.

Me: Abuela, should you settle for  a boring guy?

Abuela: You not gonna talk

Me: I’d like a trip too

Abuela: Listen, you tell-a to him. Jus’ ask him. You wanna go? Go have the trip!

You need-a give the sex though. Give it or no boyfriend. No man do nothing for nothing today.

Me: Should a woman ask a man out?

Abuela:  He got the money?  He should take you out for suppah. You need to find a guy with a lot of money.

Me: Where do i find those?

Abuela: You look at those guys on the computer. I dunno. I no want no man no more.

You’ve got questions for ‘Buela? Submit. She MIGHT answer you. She does what she wants.

About Plavia Rantham

Plavia Rantham
I was born in little town near the Appalachian Trail, raised on Sweet Tarts, Solid Gold and home-made, Cabbage Patch Dolls. My neighborhood bragging right was "Best Linda Blair impersonation" which wasn't so much an impersonation as it was my feelings about growing up surrounded by rednecks who didn't like "black music." I'm now a freelance writer living in NYC.
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